Note to the House-Sitter

14 March 2010
Sunday

Maria:

Please do not make yourself comfortable. Or if you do, I would ask that you re-fluff the pillows upon leaving the couch. The muslin cotton throw pillows sit at a 60 degree angle to each arm of the couch and the slightly smaller yellow ones rest on top of that, at a pleasantly skewed angle that appears both spontaneous and aesthetic. Symmetry is imperative. You will find a protractor in the top drawer of the bureau in the dining room, next to the tubes of Tide-to-Go. Both can be used accordingly, although I would prefer that the occasion not arise where their utilization should become necessary.

I suppose you can eat, provided that you do the dishes. I’m sorry, but you will have to wash them by hand. I disposed of my last dishwasher because it continually left streaks on my glasses and plates, despite the overzealous promises of detergent commercials. I keep latex gloves under the sink. Please discard them after every use. If you must cook, I would ask that you promptly and thoroughly throw out all leftovers in the garbage disposal; eight-legged armies are attracted to the stench of decomposing food like warriors to the scent of blood. If a spider should appear in my kitchen or elsewhere, kill it immediately. Have no compassion for God’s mutant bastard child. The little beasty must and will die. And do not dare to drink alcohol in or around my house.

I understand that you will be busy attending class during the day, but there are a few chores that I would like you take care of around the house. It is absolutely necessary that you water my hyacinths. I will be showing them in a few weeks as an example of winter bulb forcing at the Spring Flora Expo, and I want to take any and all precautions. If my reputation should deteriorate among the Ohio Creative Design community, my freelance flower arrangement business will be irrevocably damaged. Please understand the gravity of this situation. Maria, I am counting on you. The temperature in the back sewing room must not exceed 55 degrees—leave the door closed at all times to prevent heat from the house from entering. The pots should be rotated 180 degrees every two days, to ensure a straight stem. Leave the pots on the sewing table, in indirect sunlight. On Tuesday, add one tablespoon of half-strength household plant fertilizer to each pot. The fertilizer can be found under the bathroom sink, with the OxyClean and Peroxide and Ammonia.

In addition to the upkeep of my hyacinths, and any other small household tasks that you should find necessary in order to keep the house in the state in which you found it, there are one or two small errands that I would like for you to complete throughout the week. My dry cleaning should be ready on Wednesday evening. If you receive a somewhat indiscernible phone message from a man with a thick Indian accent, it is more than likely Mr. Arundhati, calling to tell me that my clothes are done. If he asks about the stain on my bathrobe, tell him it was wine. Also, garbage collection day is Thursday. If at all possible, keep watch for the garbage truck, and bring in my trashcans immediately after they are emptied. The Johnson boys have a tendency to steal them, fill them with bricks and/or dog shit, or light their contents on fire.

While on the subject of the small devils that live next door, I should warn you of a few things (besides incinerated trash). The Middleburgh Intermediate School bus arrives at approximately 3:04 on Monday–Thursday, and tends to be delayed slightly on Fridays. Once the two twats get home, their negligible mother gives them sugar and casts them out to the backyard, where they yell and scream and hammer things and generally make a childish ruckus. If they should shout unpleasant things over the fence (ie: “hag,” “fag,” or other rhyming words), ignore it. Do not egg them on, and do not appease them. If they throw baseballs at the birdbath or the gnomes in the backyard, do not throw them back.

I’m afraid my humble abode doesn’t offer much entertainment. The collection of leather-bound 19th century novels in the salon is not for reading, it is for display. I dust their jackets weekly, usually on Wednesday. The books for actual consumption are kept in my bedroom, in alphabetical order on my bookcase. Although my DVD collection is significantly smaller, I would ask that you likewise maintain its organization. You will not find embarrassing home videos, or sex tapes, or boxes of love letters, or filing cabinets of classified family secrets. If you are looking for voyeuristic amusement, you will find none. I can, however, offer you free access to an extensive hoard of Julie Andrews movies and a complete collection of Jane Austin novels.

On Friday evening/Saturday morning, at between 1:55 and 2:05 A.M., you will receive a distraught call from a man named Jimmy. If it is not too much to ask, please make arrangements to pick him up at O’Neill’s pub on Republic Ave. Deposit my wayward brother at his tenant on 186 Montgomery St. and please verify that he has his keys. It’s just a short 5-mile drive, and he shouldn’t be too bothersome. Ignore the stench of cheap Merlot—there is Lysol in the glove compartment. If he tries to bring a cup or a bottle into the car, I absolutely forbid it after last weekend’s spill. If he notices that you are not me (a detail which he very well may not discern), do not tell him where I am. Inform him that I will be back next week, and remind him that he owes me $120 for upholstery cleaning. If you should feel uncomfortable with this request, I have also left the number for the taxi service on the counter. Call around midnight on Friday night, and give them the same instructions as I have detailed here.

I have left my contact information on the counter. As I will be running around all week finalizing decorative and floral arrangements for Alie’s wedding, my cell phone is the best bet. If need be, you can also contact the hotel and leave a message for the Miller wedding party. I will be back from D.C. late Sunday evening, the 21st of March. In preparation for my return, please strip the sheets from the guest bed and change the towels in the bathroom. Fresh sheets and towels can be found in the upstairs hallway linen closet. Travelling fries my nerves, and there is nothing more soothing than a tidy house.

Maria, I thank you genuinely for your help. I am thoroughly excited to see my baby sister get married, and your generosity and diligence make it possible. Just please do not neglect the hyacinths.

Best regards,
Helen Miller